The “How To” Guide for Proper Cunningligus
Caution: Reading this may cause your penis to shoot off your body.
I am going to refer this article mostly to men because in my opinion, women know what they hell they’re doing. In my experience every lady that has kissed my vagina has got the job done. Nonetheless, let me also start off by saying that a vagina is a delightful thingamajig. Of course, they need to be taken care of properly and all. But really, these honey-suckles make life; and that’s a God thing. Power to the pussy! Okay, calm down.
WARNING: Vaginas should have no smell, and if they do, there is something going on. Furthermore, I assure you, you don’t want it going on in your mouth. So in essence, get the hell out of there and advise your lady to seek medical attention immediately, or bathe in bleach for all I care. This unearthly stench be caused by many different kinds of infections, but on a happier, less-smelly note, most of the time this can be cured by antibiotics.
Now as you, ladies and lucky fellas know, vaginas come in all shapes and sizes. But remember, be nice. In spite of everything, vaginas smile 24 hours a day. God made cunninlingus easier on your neck by giving the beaver that one and only, unforgettable “vertical smile.”
Each vagina has two pairs of lips, which Doctors’ like to refer to as the “labia majora” (outer lips) and “labia minora” (inner lips). However, this is my article. And fortunately for you, I am not a Doctor. I will be referring to the labia majora as “outer flaps” and the labia minora as “inner flaps.” Why? Because I said so; that’s why.
The most important organ to pay attention to the most while muff diving is the clitoris, which I will be referring to as “the remote” why? Refer to above reasoning. BUT, please do not forget we have a hole too. Don’t leave that out. Penetration is needed too, and you have two free hands. So be resourceful.
1. Use your finger/fingers and/or fists (for some). Feel free to substitute your hands and fingers with a dildo/vibrator/foot. It is best to stimulate the entire vagina. Penetration with your fingers – just bang the fucking pussy. It’s not rocket science. But for god sakes, trim your fucking finger nails. Remember this is a God thing; we don’t need you hacking it with your dirty nails.
2. With your face and tongue, get in there!! I’m talking about your entire face. Rub your face all in it. I cannot stress this enough. If a guy is afraid to get a little vagina messy, he deserves a dick up his ass (A black one!) We — all women — want to feel your cheeks, nose, lips, chin, and eyeballs down there. Don’t be afraid…This is one passion fruit you can’t find in the produce section at your local grocery store…yet, at least not in this country.
3. Lick and suck the remote. Go side to side, up and down, in circles. Try not to be boring. Be creative, but try not to lose momentum.
Side note: Rubbing the nose against the “remote” is a great teaser and a good chance if you need a breath of fresh air.
ATTENTION: Please – don’t blow air in there – it’s not safe, you can cause an aneurism.
4. Your voice carries vibrations, nowhere near as strong as my dildo “mongo”, but it still helps. So don’t be shy, growl at the badger! Oh what the hell, go big, and YODEL in that canyon!
5. Softly biting the outer flaps once or twice is nice, but please, no sucking hard on the inner flaps. There isn’t much sensation there, and all you’ve accomplished is turning that chick’s inner flaps into turkey gobbler better known as “meat curtains.”
6. It seems a lot of guys think penetrating you with their tongue feels good. Ya/no. Maybe the idea is hot. But please, do not sit there for 30 minutes poking the vagina with your tongue. You are not only wasting your time and but ours as well.
HINT: If she is moving her hips it’s most likely a good sign, or a sign that she is holding in a fart.
7. Last and definitely not least, my personal favorite: lick/touch the anus. In my opinion, a great way to eat a woman right is to have her in doggy-style position — with you coming from behind. This way your tongue can lick her remote, and your nose can wallow in her ass.
CAUTION: Some women might find that they are leg twitchers – you know how a dog will shake its leg when you rub its belly. Good news? You hit the spot.
After you’re done, tell her to dress up because you want to take her somewhere nice. Drive her around for hours, and then take her to a burning tire yard. When she looks at you in bewilderment, tell her you’re just kidding; and now you’re really going to take her to a special place. Drive her home, and when she starts crying and asks you “Why?” Lean over and whisper in her ear, “Because I can…”